Who: Civilian and BLU Spy
Where: The roof.
When: September 20th
What: The suits have a discussion about Spy's behavior.


( You tell her, Pinstripes... )

...

...

Honestly. I cannot fathom what sort of mental deficiencies the lot of you must suffer, or perhaps enjoy, that you would respond to the threat of termination with more unprofessionalism and rule-breaking.

This is your final warning.

I am sending a representative to observe you personally and report his findings to me. If any of you shoot him, your lack of employment will be the absolute least of your problems.

Hopefully, for your own sake, you have found this instructive,

-The Administrator

Well! Since that last call to action failed to stir the nerves of even the boldest of you, I find myself forced to utilize more drastic measures. The recent lenience you have been enjoying has clearly gotten into your heads. You seem to think that because officials are not there to supervise you at every turn and swat you whenever you so frequently go wrong, you may do as you please. Clearly, you have forgotten that we are always watching. Your dereliction to duty is disgusting, and it will end, now.

To begin with, several of your comrades have shown prolonged idleness, and as a consequence will be removed from play. They are BLU Heavy, BLU Pyro, and RED Medic. On the other hand, RED Scout, RED Pyro, BLU Soldier, and RED Demo will be placed on probation. They may continue their employment provided they complete one log or thread, preferably with a person they have not interacted significantly, within three weeks. If they have not shown markedly improved activity by March 28th, they too will be dismissed.

In addition, several other measures will be taken in order to ensure that your performance does not continue its precipitous decline.

It has come to our awareness that several of you have brought unregistered vehicles to the base. These vehicles have been confiscated from you. The cost of towing them will be docked from this month's paychecks.

The shack at the edge of base, which, I understand, several of you formerly employed as some sort of drinking den when the base itself did not suffice, has been razed to the ground. You will note that the hole in the company fence which allowed you to access it has been repaired, effectively keeping the lot of you within the base's confines. It was a gross oversight, to be sure, and one I would thank you for pointing out had you not done so through crude debauchery.

The auditing staff formerly responsible for overseeing your mail has been sacked. I will now personally monitor every letter or package which enters or leaves the compound. Need I add that any topic of conversation or contraband items deemed dangerous for your health will be kept from you, so that your infantile minds not be disturbed with things beyond their station.

Furthermore, as any one of you with two brain cells to rub together knows, it is not enough merely to take away the means for bad behavior. Clearly, something in this environment must have caused such feckless neglect from our employees. To that end, I have deemed it necessary to take away one more distraction from you.

This base has long entertained the dubious notion of an after-hours armistice, and corresponding cross-team friendships have been allowed to fester and take root like some bizarre plague. Clearly, morale has declined as a result. To that end, the room you referred to as the "common room" shall be locked and barred from here onward, and any instances of fraternization with the enemy will be strictly punished.

It is well past time you all remembered what you are being paid to do. As hired killers, your sole duty is to butcher the enemy in whatever way your meager minds can manage. Friendship, and other such pathetic pastimes, can only distract you from your duties and further detract from the value of your already worthless lives. Comport yourselves accordingly.

I know you have the memory and critical thinking skills of goldfish, but remember: we are always watching.

ATTENTION, YOU BUMBLING LEAGUE OF CRETINS.

Luckily for you undeserving misfits, your ranks have swelled! HQ has managed to secure two hapless souls to serve as Demomen in your rosters, see_four and kiltedcyclops! Find them, meet them, beat them senseless – just try not to scare them away. Procuring suicidal bomb freaks is more difficult than your puny minds can envision. Amazing, yes, I know.

fullmetalmaggot would also do well to note that his continued insubordination to base ceasefire policy has been observed by his superiors. If another trial is what is needed to drive the simple concept of nonviolence into your thick and resistant skull, BLU Soldier, then it is a trial that you will get. Again. And this time, may you be so lucky as to escape with a simple tap on the nose...